What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
