i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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