Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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