Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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