I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
