I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Define "chronic" masturbator.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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