i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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