For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
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He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
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i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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