Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
