So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
