Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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