it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
