I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
