i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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