Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
