is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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