turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
