Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
