Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
