well I can't set my house on fire every night
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
