When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
