Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
