Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
