There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
