I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
