So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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