3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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