when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
