I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Who died my cat blue again?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
