I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
