pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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