On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
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He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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