I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
