i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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