she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
is wine microwaveable?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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