Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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