I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
