Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
