the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
