Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
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Less talking, more tequila
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
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I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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