I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
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I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
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People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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