i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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