i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
