I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I wish you could order shots online.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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