I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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