Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
