Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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