What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We left the knife in your bed.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
