p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
