remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
