Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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