tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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