I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
