Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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